to far so gone......good or bad?

So I'm sorry I have floated off the face of the earth for a while, I decided to do a test. I decided to try to eat like a normal person for a little while not binging, not starving just eating whatever Bridgette ate for 3 days and I find it really very sad that I have spent three days without a single non-fat thought! every second I spent alive I had thoughts of fat and Ana and drowning honey and all it raced through my mind taunting my, yelling at me, pulling my mind apart, and chocked me and so I would purge after everything I shoved down my throat.. But I'm wondering if this isn't a good thing, like I will never get fat if I can never eat right...right? but now on the first my monthly plan starts and I will keep what I told you about as the base of my plan however I will aim to only eat on Fridays and only 100 calories, I need to take a more extreme step because I feel stuffed just thinking of this month even though this month wasn't crazy bad but still too much is TOO much there is never a reason to eat a extra calorie. well happy halloween hope you all have fun!!!

                                                                                                  -xoxo
                                                                                                      Baylee

I owe you so I'll give you two

So in the past half an hour I have managed to turn my alarm clock off in my sleep, miss the bus to school the day my major projects due, and throw my step dad into one of his male menopausal spaz attacks....HOORAAH.
My mom isn't picking up her work phone and I really didn't want to ask spazzy mc.spaz spaz over there so I guess I'm skipping.....I HATE SKIPPING! I'm going to be useful today then that way my mom might be less pissed and I wont feel so terrible. I am going to finish all three projects I have due, walk down to the library and pray my usb works there then somehow put my science project together and email it to my teacher because I'm already only getting eighty in that class and my responsibility score SUCKS. then I will clean the whole house then cook dinner. I am going to start my diet plan for November today. I feel very large which bothers me because every site online says I'm normal, and have you every actually read the food group listing? if anyone ate that in a day you would explode!

mmmm air

Today was oddly bland it was like teachers were throwing big projects and test scores in my face and I was just dazed the whole time...possible cause could be lack of sleep, speaking of which I'm soooo tired. So creepy stalker boy brought me food today and its not that that's a bad thing I just got really scared and RAN but not after freakishly screaming that I'm allergic to eggs.....I am the world #1 most embarrassing person like EVER T~T. New rule that is a actually an old rule that I will tell you just to make it official is that if my parents don't cook I don't eat except this up coming month because there's a good chance I will just not eat anything they make Ill eat a 90 calorie jello or something. so far I haven't eaten today and I think I may possibly eat something...okay if I can pull myself together and finish my science project then I'll eat a like a...nut....or something :s ew nuts 100% fatty oils! in my mind that is. Ohhh I want a stair climber -0- but I am focusing on scale OH! and there was a comment and yeah the movie thing was like a festival sorta thing it was the reason I didn't buy a scale AGAIN! urgh that's annoying. And also I feel I should tell you reading your comments lights up my day, like it is the consistent highlight of everyday. hey do you like it? the pic I mean, I am really enjoying those legs, just think, one day us to! =) its a nice thought but for now stay steady. okay well good bye bye

                                                                                                         xoxo,
                                                                                                            honey

almost forgot

I am in love with this photo!

the past 3 days

sorry I was out the whole time so lets start friday-

FRIDAY/Saturday-

 I want to The movies from midnight to seven a.m and I fell asleep in the theater, made new really cool acquaintances, and everyone loved the sweater I made I call that night a success. As soon as I got home I just crashed and didn't wake up till 4:30 p.m and that's only half an hour before I had to meet Bridgette so then I got a drive and April who woke up in my bed was very angry for some reason, is it bad that it happens so much I'm starting not to care?

Anyway at Bridgette it was so weird first time I have seen a touch computer but thats not why it was weird it was just strangely braidy bunchish, I felt very out of place. It was like I had just jumped into a sit com and I was just out of of place and it...it was just weird they were getting along and....happy and like a loving family and I felt extremely weird. And changing in front of her I could see her looks when I took of my shirt her face just spelled it out like a death sentence F-A-T you could tell all she could think is how does she hide THAT under her clothes and of course her perfectly perfect body was screaming in terror like a the small wimpy kid being stared down by the school bully.



SUNDAY-

I woke up at Bridgette's ate a whole freaking pancake AND a coffee and then i came home but yeah now...

THE PART THATS THE BEST-

My month plan is to 100 cals a day but mostly fast every time possible but no penalty unless I do pass 250 then it one 2 day fast and if I pass 350 its a 3 day fast. What struck this is me and Bridgette watched super size me and I thought I'm gonna play supper down size me xD so wish me luck and I must be going because I'm fading from consciousness so bye lovelys.

                                                                                              xoxo-
                                                                                                 (96)honey

fatty fat fat fat, new favorite thinspo pics

so yesterday I binged again....I know AGAIN! I'm terrible, I'm just a fat little kid with no self-control. This binge I'm giving a 2 day make up time and I'm going to fast those 2 days even if it kills me well or risk of my parents finding out is to high. On Friday though is a planed over eat day where I will not go crazy I will however end ALL suspicions of friends...who aren't April that I will give a 3 day fast make up or a 4 day under 94 calories.

I want to start putting more pictures up here in my posts you know like people put up picture of thinga and....stuff. Well you know what I mean. When I start eating again I'll take a picture of every meal I eat for one day and post it, hey that might be good thinspo!

Speaking of good thinspo I have discovered that the part of the body above the chest and under the shoulder works as great thinspo. Its like whenever I touch it I remember pictures of pretty skinny girls and how their bones show through the skin and how on some parts my finger tips actually sink in a little and it reminds me that I'm too fat and don't deserve to eat. Not to mention you can touch it in public with out people getting suspicious or weird-ed out like if you lifted your shirt or started pinching inches in front of people. So for sake of not having an outrageously long post I'm going to end it after this- on Friday there is this movie thing going on and that's why I'm over eating that day and I'm going on a date with this guy that as an after thought I really don't want to go with. kay byee.

                                                                                                          xoxo-
                                                                                                              Honey

OH god help

Is soy milk okay on a fast? Help HELP HELPP my mom came home and cooked good smelling food and keeps making me stuff and  I'm already disoriented from that and now my judgment is way to clouded to decide is a cup of soy milk OKAY? HELP!

Way to cold for life and halloween plans.

This planet is freezing over, I swear I'm going to die this winter it is soooooo cold! I want to go back to Vietnam for winter, where its nice and hot T~T Fabi gets to go back to El Salvador for winter. BAWLS. And like all my charity work, and exercise goes down the drain as soon as winter hits, BUT ALAS I have had a strip of luck I have gym In the winter (quick gym panic) yippee, and I heard they don't weigh you, again, yippee. Any way so not nice old man winter I'm wearing snow pants in October and Halloween is gonna be hell walking miles with a grocery cart full of cans dressed up as blanket, oh yes lat me tell you my plans.

So this Halloween Ima be a blanket I'll post a pic if I get one, and insted of a halloween binge I'm going out and collecting non parishable food items and donating them to teh food bank yeah thats all my plans lawl I'll be tricker treating till im 80 and cant walk HAH! night.

                                                                                                 xoxo-
                                                                                                     Honey.

first fast and it was amazing :3

okay so I wrote about my binge on Friday right? well the following Saturday to Sunday I had a 43 hour fast, broken by my parents having a dinner party at which I got away with only 104 calories but I did notice my parents staring at my plate a lot and it pissed the hell out of me! Seriously find something else to look at you glutton. anyway that was my first fast...EVER it is so mega weird to think that is the first day in 14 years that I didn't eat anything EWW. that means for 5389 days I ate, stuffing myself with disgusting calories its a shock I'm as skinny as I am! So my plan is to have a 38 hour fast starting a little while ago. hey its weird I have only been alive 5389 days that is a weird, weird thing. I think ana and mia forgave me because I don't feel as lonely anymore. And that book I mentioned wasted by Marya Hornbacher is actually really good. Okay so that was my weekend hope yours was good to see you later.

                                                                                                             xoxo-
                                                                                                                   Honey

panic

I can feel it! the fat, its growing, its swallowing me! baylee is drowning honey in food and I cant swim out.

why does it always end like this?

Every single day I fight this war with food. In my mind its all I think about and yet I go nowhere near it. But every single fucking day I hang out with friends they come over and eat and eat and eat like freaking cows and they are still skinny as hell and even worse I start to eat, start to grieve and eat, and eat until I almost cry and then I'll eat more! by the time I can get to a freaking toilet I've already digested most of that disgusting lard and I get nothing out, just blood and spit. I'm left drenched in tears and regret. Why does it always go like this? it doesn't matter how many motivational quotes I write in my little notebook, it doesn't matter how many times I precisely plan out my diet knocking off every possible calorie every time a friend walks through that door all hope is lost. And I cant take it! I cant fucking take my fat ass body and my disgusting mind! Every single part of me is tainted by that sin! I cant take bingeing because I can never take time to purge and  fucking hate it! I want to die I want to cut myself open and take out all this fat! all this disgusting sin! I want god to love me and ana to want me again.

I want....need....to be skinny.

bleh, hey does life ever stop sucking?

So before I had admitted to having anorexia and bulimia I asked my mom a few time how many calories were in such things she was shoving down my throat, now that she sees I'm losing weight she is like offering me food up the wall. before my greedy mother gave me looks when I would ask for a bite of something now she practically gives me the whole thing and I don't even ask and it's a pain in the ass to hide it. but point being I have to be careful.

I really wish I had a friend who has an ed. I'm lonely. I always surrounded myself with people I could talk to about anything because I don't know what I want to talk about and its such a bother to remember what your hiding from who, but now I'm hiding something from everyone and it's hard for me not to converse my opinions with anyone and to not be able to say "hey, how many calories do you think are in that?" or "they eat like fucking pigs!" without them getting all over me.

I hate my shoulders. they are to big, just to BIG and what am I supposed to do about it? I cant do jack shit about it. I can have the perfect pale white skinny as hell damn gorgeous body and its all ruined cause my damn big shoulders! Well I hope your all in a better mood than me ^-~. and I'll post my weight soon I just need to get my fat ass back to the gym, just think I'll be able to run upstairs and tell you guy how much I weigh by wednesday =).



                                                                                                       xoxo
                                                                                                          Honey

Okay NOW im stressin @_@ HELP

I keep forgetting about gym and then remembering gym and almost having a spaz attack. In three months I am starting gym and by then I should be like 75 or 60 pounds, I'll be happy if I look good taking my clothes off in the change room (but theres still all those tall skinny ones) but is he going to weigh us? Oh gosh I hope not EEKKK *bites finger nails* and he does a thing where we record what we eat everyday for a week and hand it in. What should I do? I do it everyday anyway but somehow I don't think he will be satisfied with MY diet and Calorie intake and I dont feel like being found out. do I write in fake info? But I don't even remember what a normal person eats in a day anymore. And about the possible weigh in if you did it please riddle me this - does it happen? and can I wear clothes that I can hide weights in? HELP ME PLEASE

just quickly

debating if I should start posting what I eat in a day, is it good thinspo? This tea sucks, it has a funny after taste. And dammit I forgot the point of this post....well heres hopeing it comes back, ha did u hear me use the word hopeing? like theres any of it left in my wasted meat sack of a body like a real pro GOAL lawl kay pce. need a scale still.

To many questions, I'm stressin

Did i ever mention how much corsets bug me? Gah but I'm addicted to the pain now.
why is it that right after school the temptation to eat is the highest? also why do you have to be 15 to get a job like anywhere? BAWLS. Hey if you ever read this anyone can you comment below and tell me on average how many calories you eat a day? just so I know the gist, I'm just curious. bleh. you know the book wasted by Mayra Hornbacher? well I have been waiting for like weeks for it to come into the library and I HAVE IT woot. now the only problem is it says its about recovery and i really don't want to be persuaded to recover.

I went to my dads for the weekend and I ate as little as I could however my dads the jolly asian (I don't mean fat) so he cooks alot, unfortunately he doesn't eat much and neither does my step mom so it was painfully obvious I don't eat enough but I managed to discreetly push enough so I don't think he is suspicious. However when I came home it appears I have gained .5 around my waist although I had eaten just before BUT STILL! Dammit I cant even eat like a normal person. And now I'm scared to get on the scale so I'm delaying it a week T~T.

Last week I went to double double at lunch with some friends, I didn't get anything but I did eat one potato wedge from Bridgett and now we are going tomorrow and Bridgett wants to give me all her wedges which in turn will be Caylea giving me hers. They only come with four per combo so I'll have a miximum of 8 and mary browns nutritional guide says a small package form them is 186 calories and thats like 15 so I'm saying that thats how many calories for that. gross right? I'll try to push some off on them and I'll whip out my excuse book  bout still I'm dreading. T~T well luck to me.


                                                                                                       xoxo
                                                                                                          Honey

you know...

you know I have a best friend who is miraculously skinny and I used to be damned jealous, now I look at her and all I can do is catolouge fat, sin, flab, needs to be toned, ect. and the most disturbing part is that now when I look at firm flab on people I imagine cutting them open and cutting the fat out and I get an amazing high which in turn means I am banning myself from straight razors, exacto knifes, and kitchen knifes for a little while, just to be safe.

You know how I always put my weight at the end of my goodbye when it changes, well its 98 now and I'm going to give you a brief history of weight gain:

when I hit 85 the worry began,
when I hit 90 I felt enormous,
when I hit 95 I faded back to the dark,
when I hit 100 every part of me was pulled back into total darkness
and once again "Baylee" ceased to exists. now Baylee is a small part of me,
she exists only to please the outside but in here the only one who matters Is Honey
and out there the only ones who love me are my dear soul Ana & Mia.

you know how people always bitch about how stupid of a power invisibility is? Well if I could disappear or even blend in I might still be alive.

calculators + uhhhhhhh

do you know how much i want a job? BAD!
so bad i could cry....seriously. Right now I'm saving my money to give to my friend to get xbox live to go on a date...BLEH.

I need a job to get a scale, my mom doesnt want to get one because she thinks I'll never get off it, shes right but still like bawls. Damn I also want clothes but I'm to fat, I'll drop 50 pounds then start that shiz. I'm sorry this whole uhhh post is me bitching but I'm in that kinda mood.

okay btw here are some good calculators who i semi-kinda-more than others-trust:

how much you lose everyday-
http://www.stevenscreek.com/goodies/calories.shtml 


BMI calculator-
http://www.halls.md/body-mass-index/bmi.htm

Calculate Time Required to Reach Goal Weight
Calculate Daily Calorie Deficit Required to Reach Goal Weight
Calculate Weight Loss over a Period of Time -
http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_loss.php

you know I talk to you guys like there is a you guys but i know I'm the only one reading this.....T~T, sorry I'm not some profound anorexic/bulimic, I'm just a normal person T~T.... kpce


                                                                                                            xoxo (98)
                                                                                                                just me