why does it always end like this?

Every single day I fight this war with food. In my mind its all I think about and yet I go nowhere near it. But every single fucking day I hang out with friends they come over and eat and eat and eat like freaking cows and they are still skinny as hell and even worse I start to eat, start to grieve and eat, and eat until I almost cry and then I'll eat more! by the time I can get to a freaking toilet I've already digested most of that disgusting lard and I get nothing out, just blood and spit. I'm left drenched in tears and regret. Why does it always go like this? it doesn't matter how many motivational quotes I write in my little notebook, it doesn't matter how many times I precisely plan out my diet knocking off every possible calorie every time a friend walks through that door all hope is lost. And I cant take it! I cant fucking take my fat ass body and my disgusting mind! Every single part of me is tainted by that sin! I cant take bingeing because I can never take time to purge and  fucking hate it! I want to die I want to cut myself open and take out all this fat! all this disgusting sin! I want god to love me and ana to want me again.

I want....need....to be skinny.