Just a angsty teen rant

This isn't relevant what do ever but it's distracting me for studying for my science exam and I have to vent about it so:

My parents come home after hours of unexplained absence which is like whatever or would be at least if the first thing my fucking stepmother, who has been bugging the shit out of my father trying to convince him I'm fucking dieting, wasn't "are you hungry" and looks at me like she's oh so worried and faking a smile like bitch shut the fuck up and back off I'm fine!! Like not 'hi' not where they went or how are you or good morning like seriously are you hungry!!?? Thats the best you fucking have?? To which I reply "nope" really cheerfully, so she continues: "did you eat?" nope fucking rubbed my face against a wall until I wasn't hungry "yup" "did you eat?" "I said yes" "what did you eat? Did you eat?" "yeah I did I ate breakfast" "did you eat cake?" "nope"

Like really? Not a single hi or explanation of where they've been just repeating the same question and clearly not listening to my awnser and so repeating the question like OMFGG I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP . These people are so aggravating!! Like the look she gives me like shes thinking I have a meth addiction or something like honestly they complain I'm fat then shove food down my throat then look at me like I'm dieing when I limit my self to-- oh lord help us-- 2 bowls of soup and 4bowls of vegetables at dinner OH LORD watch out everyone this girl who runs a blog dedicated to cake is clearly trying to kill herself by this totally unreasonably small portion oh noezz!!!! Like no, stfu I want to slap them all so bad. Not to mention the stupid shit I get yelled at about like my dad smashed a plate once cause he was so angry cause I cut a bun on the counter instead of on a plate or cutting board for the legit first time ever, I also can't put things in the fridge without people throwing them out and I get yelled at for leaving my tea bag which I plan to use again in an hour in a table spoon on the counter cause the house has to be clean for all the no visitors we have all the time. These are the things that make me so sure of my decision to move back to my mothers on the 28th, no doubt in my mind. I cannot live with other people who make food, diet, and appearance they're life, they're so competitive and they don't even realize it :S it's so annoying to live with other people with eating disorders


OH WAIT it gets better, they made me a massive fucking bowl of soup anyways and they made this entire meal because my mom told my dad I was hungry WHAT THE ACATUAL FUCK!!! HOLY FUCKING TITS WOMAN !! COULD YOU ATTEMPT EVEN A LITTLE TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN I AWNSER A FUCKING QUESTION YOU ASK!!!! I'm fucking crying, this is so emotionally frustrating to have to deal with such ignorant ass holes who are so invested in their own delusions and trying so hard to control as part of then like oh my god I'm not one of your fucking games I'm your daughter!! Why can't our lives just not revolve around food for a second do we can have a real conversation where we actually listen to each other!!?? I talk but you don't even hear a word or it, food ruins EVERYTHING at least Ana can
help keep that evil shit away




OH MY GOSH, i just went down tot he kitchen to get my iced coffee, she follows me in asks me if im hungry i say no she asks why and i say because i ate breakfast and lunch then she lovingly pats mt back and i walk away. she goes up stairs i walk over to my dad and i say '"she keeps asking me if im hungry. Ive eaten twice and i told her that but she keeps asking" then he says " its okay, shes just asking, its okay" then she starts walking back down cause she decided to easedrop on us instead of go to the bathroom, i start walking away and smile at her and now i know im going to get yelled at about this later because god forbid i ever attempt to stop ether of them from being annoying assholes by simply non-angerly pointing out how THEY WONT FUCKING DROP ANYTHING EVER

👽

Mias sure making quite the fucking come back.

Progress so far I guess

Around 15 more lbs to go and I'd say I'll be awesome, 7 for the front and six for the back and hips and like two for thighs and arm.

Bust: 56 inch
Waist: 28 ( first inch gone!!)
Hips: 32.5

Weight should be somewhere around 110 but I don't weigh again until tmo.

PS please ignore the mess in my room I'm about to throw it all in boxes cause I'm midmove

Only open this if you a) want to hate me b) need a reason not to eat really bad

So what do you think about right before your about to eat something you shouldn't? Do you think oh whatever, do you think I'm ahead anyways, do you lie to yourself about how many calories are in it, do you tell yourself you throw it up later? Well here's the thing, it's a fact that you can only purge 80% of the calories out. And for all those making excuses let me tell you that your not ahead and it's not okay because no matter where you are it's still bad. Let me show you want all those days of skipping exorcise or allowing yourself to eat a few extra calories does--

This is what 112lbs looks like on a 5'2 girl with a BMI of 20.5 which is on the lower side of normal looks like, THIS is what all those charts telling you your underweight want you to look like:

Rambling

All I care about is weight. If I ate to much it feels like a bad day, if I ate the right amount it feels like an okay day and I could have done better, and if I ate under I feel like it was a good day and I can rest in peace.

A really annoying thing is the fear, I'm surrounded by constant fear. Throughout the day it's fear that in going to give in or that I'm going to be forced to eat something and later it's the fear that food is turning into fat and the fear that I'll give up,not to mention the incessant plaguing fear that follows me every waking hour that I'll change my mind and go eat. The only time that that fear dulls is when I'm lying in bed after a good day, feeling as if I'm finally in control of myself.

When I eat I feel completely out of control and it causes me physical pain. I become so stressed out and anxious and anyone who tries to give me food regularly becomes an enemy. When I don't eat I feel like I'm finally in control of my mind, I can hardly hear all of the other voices or desires that are usually tormenting me. All I can hear when I haven't eaten for days is hunger and it makes me feel so much better to be incontrol of myself, not to just be another passenger on this crazy bus that we pretend is mine. Dieting also makes me feel like my life has meaning, I feel like I have a goal and not like I'm just floating around aimlessly. Dieting feels amazing, I don't understand why I ever stop. It's probably because I'm
Weak, probably cause I suck at completing my goals, I'm legitimately a failure at life and that's why I give up, because when dieting is my goal and what I think of constantly I am giving up on my life goal proving I'm incapable and useless. The more control you have the more beautiful you acatually have weather skinny or fat and that's why I'm
The ugly friend, that's why my life is worthless. That's why I diet, it gives my life worth and each successful day brings me closer to joining the crowd of people who are beautiful and incontrol and who's lives mean something. This is also why anyone who tries to tell me I'm beautiful gets marked as stupid in my books and why anyone who tries to stop me makes me feel like what I'm doing is right, because I threaten them.

Anywho I did end up binging today at lunch because I had forgotten my lunch at home and I had to buy lunch from the cafe and they only had cookies and gross stuff and in the heat of the momment I grabed a cookie, a thing of Cheerios, and hazelnut milk....I know, I'm pathedic, thats do gross even for a normal person that's alot. That's about 500 calories which puts me 100 over for the whole day. I go on this rant about why dieting is my life purpose and then I prove how I can't even do that right. Wow I'm actually so worthless, I am actually a failure at life. My life is never going to get better because I'm not good at anything and I don't have the willpower to become good at anything. Oh and once I came home i told my mom I didn't want the soup she made me, went upstairs put my hair in a bun and purged for the next 20-40 minutes in the shower but I still don't think I got it all out, how do you calculate how many vomits it should take to get it all out?

With school getting closer to exams, and me having to pack up all my stuff and say goodbye to my friends and parents at the same time I just feel so stressed and in pain at everything, everything sucks especially me.

I've been thinking lately about how there are more people on the planet than ever and how it doesn't fit with my mind there it is not god like to be making all of these new souls so that means there must be people without souls. Recently I've started to believe that one of those people is me, I dont feel alive, I'm not good at anything, and I don't really seem to have a purpose. I think god pities me and that's why he awnsers my prayers and why I feel like he's around sometimes,

What comes next?

My life revolves around my diet, my life is my diet. It's what I think about all the time, it's what I actively put work towards and it's what I blame for everything wrong in my life and everything good in my life. So what happens when it's gone? Then what? Who do I blame for people not liking me, things not going my way, or others getting opportunities I don't? Then what is my goal or purpose? That one thing always in my mind that I relate to all my choices? I know before it was helping people... Who knows...maybe it won't be so scary...maybe it will actually be better...you know? Like not maybe it can direct me somewhere more positive or exciting like my new thing could be art or friends or some type of sport or something. This actually sounds exciting now, huh. I think that's how life is supposed to be and that how this weight has really been holding me back.

But I mean there is the times when I also fear that even once I lose the weight I'll still be obsessed or it will still be the center of my universe.

Relapse, reminiscing, and laxatives. Three words that shouldn't work but fit perfectly together

I'm so excited!!! I checked the scale today expecting to be up some acatually cause I feel like I've been binging alot lately but I dropped another two pounds :) :) Ive breached the under 20 pounds to go limit and now I have 18. Honestly this is what I needed, with all the difficulties and near breakdowns I've had (I go to highschool and am constantly surrounded by junk food, I also live in the middle of a food complex and beside a nofrills that's catering to germens) this just...this will help me to continue through the pain realizing that it is making a huge difference. My first exit to lose the weight is July 19th but it's basically impossible according to all my math but still I'm going to hold it as a goal because I honestly don't think I can drop it.

The biggest binge I've done not in my home town was this thursday when I ate coconut jelly out of a coconut which was 200 extra after I had finished all my eating for the day which had pushed me to 583 calories for the whole day, I felt disgusted with myself but the reason I did it is because I try to make exceptions for food which is ties with experiences or 'flags' as I like to call them cause I live in video games. Because I don't want this to be an eating disorder again or at least not the negative bits like me missing or on the rare flags of life because of it. So yeah, but I'm still on track so yeah omgg im do happy about that.

Why is it that although I've lost 7 lbs I still haven lost an inch around my waist or hips? Also I am considering getting laxatives, not for purging but because I think with the small amount I eat my body just does it really slowly or something so I look bloated and feel huge ALL the time. I know they're horrible to start taking and it's only for emergencies but I would only use them for emergencies. I already try to eat a handful of nuts a day because I feel like they help move bowls but I want something just in case (btdubs almonds are the best for fiber).

And on the last note, I was cleaning out my closet with my best friend brigette yesterday (first time coming up to visit me since I moved :D) and she held up a pair of my underwear from when I was almost hospitalized last year and it was really shocking. They wernt even half her shoulder width, I never want to do that again, I had the body of honestly like a four year old. People probably didn't question it cause I'm Asian but seriously like ew.

Sweet 16, the lie

I woke up at 8:30 today and began crying and screaming because I'm terrified of the change that turning sixteen will bring in my life. I dont think I can handle being an adult, I dont think I can handle having to face life as a reality. But the biggest thing is change. I'm honestly terrified of life changing, my life has never been anything than what it is now, with my parents taking care of me and in charge of me and me doing what I want but appreciating that they were there. Now though ill be all on my own, all alone in this big big world forced to worry about myself and be truly alone and im so scared, I don't belong and I can't do it because there's no place in this world for something like me. And I can't handle the mind-boggling pressure of knowing that these are my final moments of youth before my life changes forever and I can never be safe again. I'm not ready to trek across these foreign lands and risk everything, I'm too scared and not ready or prepared or allowed and it's not even like I have a place to go. I don't belong, I shouldn't be here, I'm not ready. Dear god I can't do this