Rambling

All I care about is weight. If I ate to much it feels like a bad day, if I ate the right amount it feels like an okay day and I could have done better, and if I ate under I feel like it was a good day and I can rest in peace.

A really annoying thing is the fear, I'm surrounded by constant fear. Throughout the day it's fear that in going to give in or that I'm going to be forced to eat something and later it's the fear that food is turning into fat and the fear that I'll give up,not to mention the incessant plaguing fear that follows me every waking hour that I'll change my mind and go eat. The only time that that fear dulls is when I'm lying in bed after a good day, feeling as if I'm finally in control of myself.

When I eat I feel completely out of control and it causes me physical pain. I become so stressed out and anxious and anyone who tries to give me food regularly becomes an enemy. When I don't eat I feel like I'm finally in control of my mind, I can hardly hear all of the other voices or desires that are usually tormenting me. All I can hear when I haven't eaten for days is hunger and it makes me feel so much better to be incontrol of myself, not to just be another passenger on this crazy bus that we pretend is mine. Dieting also makes me feel like my life has meaning, I feel like I have a goal and not like I'm just floating around aimlessly. Dieting feels amazing, I don't understand why I ever stop. It's probably because I'm
Weak, probably cause I suck at completing my goals, I'm legitimately a failure at life and that's why I give up, because when dieting is my goal and what I think of constantly I am giving up on my life goal proving I'm incapable and useless. The more control you have the more beautiful you acatually have weather skinny or fat and that's why I'm
The ugly friend, that's why my life is worthless. That's why I diet, it gives my life worth and each successful day brings me closer to joining the crowd of people who are beautiful and incontrol and who's lives mean something. This is also why anyone who tries to tell me I'm beautiful gets marked as stupid in my books and why anyone who tries to stop me makes me feel like what I'm doing is right, because I threaten them.

Anywho I did end up binging today at lunch because I had forgotten my lunch at home and I had to buy lunch from the cafe and they only had cookies and gross stuff and in the heat of the momment I grabed a cookie, a thing of Cheerios, and hazelnut milk....I know, I'm pathedic, thats do gross even for a normal person that's alot. That's about 500 calories which puts me 100 over for the whole day. I go on this rant about why dieting is my life purpose and then I prove how I can't even do that right. Wow I'm actually so worthless, I am actually a failure at life. My life is never going to get better because I'm not good at anything and I don't have the willpower to become good at anything. Oh and once I came home i told my mom I didn't want the soup she made me, went upstairs put my hair in a bun and purged for the next 20-40 minutes in the shower but I still don't think I got it all out, how do you calculate how many vomits it should take to get it all out?

With school getting closer to exams, and me having to pack up all my stuff and say goodbye to my friends and parents at the same time I just feel so stressed and in pain at everything, everything sucks especially me.

I've been thinking lately about how there are more people on the planet than ever and how it doesn't fit with my mind there it is not god like to be making all of these new souls so that means there must be people without souls. Recently I've started to believe that one of those people is me, I dont feel alive, I'm not good at anything, and I don't really seem to have a purpose. I think god pities me and that's why he awnsers my prayers and why I feel like he's around sometimes,