Aha...been a long time since Ive been here. funny enough I haven't change much, except I want to punch myself in the face every time I read something I wrote last year, I was such a raging tool. Anyways for all those who give a fuck and all those who don't heres a run down of the events that have transpired during my absence.
At first I continued to eat less and less, counting tablespoons and calling them pound, I got worse and worse until eventually I began fainting on a daily basis. I would go to school faint, get sent home, and spend the rest of the day sitting in my house alone, unable to exercise or really do anything because it was to much physical exertion. After a few weeks of that my bulimia took dominance over my anorexia and I would binge, or rather 'binge' because I was really just eating a normal amount of food. Anyways, I would 'binge' constantly and spend the majority of my shower with my fist down my throat and laying almost completely lifeless on the shower floor regaining energy and feeling low. After a few months of that I just felt so incredibly unhappy and...how can I describe this? almost bleak, like the color of a grey tinted blue, completely washed out and painfully numb. I could have easily continued with that, I wasn't at my breaking point yet, I was only 75 lbs and I could keep going, another 8 weeks and I would hit my first goal weight. But I was so sick of ana telling me what to do, so sick of that green binder on my nightstand watching me sleep filled with photos of models dressed in permanent marker and letters to myself telling me how I am worthless and how I can never amount to anything, I broke. I began screaming at ana telling her to "get the fuck out" telling her that I didn't want her love, that I don't care if I die of loneliness without her, that she wouldn't hurt me anymore and that I wanted to feel happiness at least once before I died and her help was only ruining me further. I started eating and holding it in, I wouldn't write letters, I wouldn't look at thinspo, and I didn't weigh or measure myself. But the fear didn't go away, neither did the anxiety, neither did the urge to vomit, nor the self hatred, or the jealousy, and neither did ana. As clear as ever she was still there, but now just laughed and gave me a look that said it all 'you wont be okay, you'll just be fat. fat fat FAT. all you'll ever be is FAT. the more you eat the more of the little beauty left inside your shallow bones will suffocate to death under the old you, the fat you.". I continued to ignore her for months and months, I maintained a healthy 105 pounds, I still wasn't happy and ana was still in my mind, whispering ever so softly every time I saw food, felt hungry, or looked in the mirror and I could feel her cold finger poking my at my stomach, rolling my fat between her delicate fingers, and sticking her cold thin finger straight through to my spine every time I looked at a girl and only saw her numbers, or her genuine smile. This continued until September when I moved in with my dad, new city, new school, new family. living here ana was pushed way way back, so many new things were going on, I even went to Italy, I got lost in everything and hardly even noticed ana. That is until I stepped on the scale... 120... I had never weighed that much in my life! Now I was undeniably fat, I even had the numbers to back me up (29 inch waist). I never thought I would be this disgustingly huge and fat, I feel DISGUSTING. I'm undesirable, untouchable, and completely obscene. When I look in the mirror I don't see a girl I see a monster. I see thighs that touch and my disgusting personality hanging over my underwear looking at me with its round red cheeks and multiple chins pleading for its life, pleading for my favor crying 'please love my, I just want you to love me' and I can feel a knot in my throat, I can feel the vomit rising and my heart squeezing, I can feel my organs and bones SCREAMING 'were DIEING we cant BREATH under here!!' and my soul convulses, my mind shudders, my being weeps, trying to shake off what must be a horrible sick dream. I suppressed my feelings and pretended it didn't bother me. Then the next day at dinner while my weight obsessed father was on another rant about how healthy his food was and how nobody could gain weight form it I let it slip that I had gained 20 pounds since moving. His and my step mothers mouths dropped and for the first time during that meal my mother lifted her head to look at me. They both had looks of disgust and disbelief in their eyes, probably cause they openly thought I was overweight before I moved there. They started desperately scrambling for excuses but you could see in there eyes nothing seemed to suffice. After that I began a healthy diet with the iphone app 'MyNetDiary' losing 2 pounds a week eating 883 cals a day hoping to be 95lbs by July 19th. Two weeks after I returned to my hometown for a friends birthday, binged at the mandarin, and the following day binged munchies when I was stoned twice with another friend. I came home and felt disgusted, so tempted to carry on and pretend the whole ordeal didn't happen out of pure shame, instead I logged the mandarin into my net diary (unable to remember what I ate when I was high) and vowed to work off another 3000 calories in place.
so now my new plan is:
bike a minimal of 5 times a week, then do glutes and ab workouts
and eat 500cals a day (a healthy number, until at I reach at least 105lbs)
and as of today I want to start weighing myself every morning
Me and brigette (my best friend) are having a combined birthday party June second. Its going to be a house party and I want to look HOT because she is really sexy and skinny and we will be compared, not to mention since I'll be going back to that school in September this will be some peoples new first impression of me. The issue is I can only lose 6 lbs by then IF I'm diligent, and my hair is at the awkward length where its even with my shoulders and so theres no way to wear it attractively, not to mention one of my ear piercings fell out in Italy so now I'm uneven and I cant afford a new earing to put in it. Theres also a house party next weekend here and I haven't been to one in this city so I was considering going but like everyone here thinks I'm grimy I'm sure of it because I put 0 effort into my looks, mainly cause I hate everyone and will be gone in a month. Anyway that's relevant because I'm afraid I'll look grimy and humongous even out of uniform and people will look at me like whats that gross loser doing here? who invited her? cause I hate everyone and haven't bothered branching socially so I just chill with the geeks and freaks and one semi cool girl who is the one who invited me.
In concluding I'm disgusting and weak, this is now a 'healthy' ex-ana attempting to diet without falling to bulimia and anorexia again-- blog.
too disgusting to leave the house and have a social life
honey
Just a story, just another teenage whale bitching about life through insecurities.
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