Rambling

All I care about is weight. If I ate to much it feels like a bad day, if I ate the right amount it feels like an okay day and I could have done better, and if I ate under I feel like it was a good day and I can rest in peace.

A really annoying thing is the fear, I'm surrounded by constant fear. Throughout the day it's fear that in going to give in or that I'm going to be forced to eat something and later it's the fear that food is turning into fat and the fear that I'll give up,not to mention the incessant plaguing fear that follows me every waking hour that I'll change my mind and go eat. The only time that that fear dulls is when I'm lying in bed after a good day, feeling as if I'm finally in control of myself.

When I eat I feel completely out of control and it causes me physical pain. I become so stressed out and anxious and anyone who tries to give me food regularly becomes an enemy. When I don't eat I feel like I'm finally in control of my mind, I can hardly hear all of the other voices or desires that are usually tormenting me. All I can hear when I haven't eaten for days is hunger and it makes me feel so much better to be incontrol of myself, not to just be another passenger on this crazy bus that we pretend is mine. Dieting also makes me feel like my life has meaning, I feel like I have a goal and not like I'm just floating around aimlessly. Dieting feels amazing, I don't understand why I ever stop. It's probably because I'm
Weak, probably cause I suck at completing my goals, I'm legitimately a failure at life and that's why I give up, because when dieting is my goal and what I think of constantly I am giving up on my life goal proving I'm incapable and useless. The more control you have the more beautiful you acatually have weather skinny or fat and that's why I'm
The ugly friend, that's why my life is worthless. That's why I diet, it gives my life worth and each successful day brings me closer to joining the crowd of people who are beautiful and incontrol and who's lives mean something. This is also why anyone who tries to tell me I'm beautiful gets marked as stupid in my books and why anyone who tries to stop me makes me feel like what I'm doing is right, because I threaten them.

Anywho I did end up binging today at lunch because I had forgotten my lunch at home and I had to buy lunch from the cafe and they only had cookies and gross stuff and in the heat of the momment I grabed a cookie, a thing of Cheerios, and hazelnut milk....I know, I'm pathedic, thats do gross even for a normal person that's alot. That's about 500 calories which puts me 100 over for the whole day. I go on this rant about why dieting is my life purpose and then I prove how I can't even do that right. Wow I'm actually so worthless, I am actually a failure at life. My life is never going to get better because I'm not good at anything and I don't have the willpower to become good at anything. Oh and once I came home i told my mom I didn't want the soup she made me, went upstairs put my hair in a bun and purged for the next 20-40 minutes in the shower but I still don't think I got it all out, how do you calculate how many vomits it should take to get it all out?

With school getting closer to exams, and me having to pack up all my stuff and say goodbye to my friends and parents at the same time I just feel so stressed and in pain at everything, everything sucks especially me.

I've been thinking lately about how there are more people on the planet than ever and how it doesn't fit with my mind there it is not god like to be making all of these new souls so that means there must be people without souls. Recently I've started to believe that one of those people is me, I dont feel alive, I'm not good at anything, and I don't really seem to have a purpose. I think god pities me and that's why he awnsers my prayers and why I feel like he's around sometimes,

What comes next?

My life revolves around my diet, my life is my diet. It's what I think about all the time, it's what I actively put work towards and it's what I blame for everything wrong in my life and everything good in my life. So what happens when it's gone? Then what? Who do I blame for people not liking me, things not going my way, or others getting opportunities I don't? Then what is my goal or purpose? That one thing always in my mind that I relate to all my choices? I know before it was helping people... Who knows...maybe it won't be so scary...maybe it will actually be better...you know? Like not maybe it can direct me somewhere more positive or exciting like my new thing could be art or friends or some type of sport or something. This actually sounds exciting now, huh. I think that's how life is supposed to be and that how this weight has really been holding me back.

But I mean there is the times when I also fear that even once I lose the weight I'll still be obsessed or it will still be the center of my universe.

Relapse, reminiscing, and laxatives. Three words that shouldn't work but fit perfectly together

I'm so excited!!! I checked the scale today expecting to be up some acatually cause I feel like I've been binging alot lately but I dropped another two pounds :) :) Ive breached the under 20 pounds to go limit and now I have 18. Honestly this is what I needed, with all the difficulties and near breakdowns I've had (I go to highschool and am constantly surrounded by junk food, I also live in the middle of a food complex and beside a nofrills that's catering to germens) this just...this will help me to continue through the pain realizing that it is making a huge difference. My first exit to lose the weight is July 19th but it's basically impossible according to all my math but still I'm going to hold it as a goal because I honestly don't think I can drop it.

The biggest binge I've done not in my home town was this thursday when I ate coconut jelly out of a coconut which was 200 extra after I had finished all my eating for the day which had pushed me to 583 calories for the whole day, I felt disgusted with myself but the reason I did it is because I try to make exceptions for food which is ties with experiences or 'flags' as I like to call them cause I live in video games. Because I don't want this to be an eating disorder again or at least not the negative bits like me missing or on the rare flags of life because of it. So yeah, but I'm still on track so yeah omgg im do happy about that.

Why is it that although I've lost 7 lbs I still haven lost an inch around my waist or hips? Also I am considering getting laxatives, not for purging but because I think with the small amount I eat my body just does it really slowly or something so I look bloated and feel huge ALL the time. I know they're horrible to start taking and it's only for emergencies but I would only use them for emergencies. I already try to eat a handful of nuts a day because I feel like they help move bowls but I want something just in case (btdubs almonds are the best for fiber).

And on the last note, I was cleaning out my closet with my best friend brigette yesterday (first time coming up to visit me since I moved :D) and she held up a pair of my underwear from when I was almost hospitalized last year and it was really shocking. They wernt even half her shoulder width, I never want to do that again, I had the body of honestly like a four year old. People probably didn't question it cause I'm Asian but seriously like ew.

Sweet 16, the lie

I woke up at 8:30 today and began crying and screaming because I'm terrified of the change that turning sixteen will bring in my life. I dont think I can handle being an adult, I dont think I can handle having to face life as a reality. But the biggest thing is change. I'm honestly terrified of life changing, my life has never been anything than what it is now, with my parents taking care of me and in charge of me and me doing what I want but appreciating that they were there. Now though ill be all on my own, all alone in this big big world forced to worry about myself and be truly alone and im so scared, I don't belong and I can't do it because there's no place in this world for something like me. And I can't handle the mind-boggling pressure of knowing that these are my final moments of youth before my life changes forever and I can never be safe again. I'm not ready to trek across these foreign lands and risk everything, I'm too scared and not ready or prepared or allowed and it's not even like I have a place to go. I don't belong, I shouldn't be here, I'm not ready. Dear god I can't do this

Breakfast is effective

Can't help binging on the weekends and eating munchies!! That's my main trial. Eating breakfast really does help, I was really surprised, eat like 100-200 calories in the morning and it helps you say no the rest of the day. I fucking hate school, it's the most stressful thing and I don't even care about it Mississippi burning is THE most aggravating disgusting movie ever!! I could be physically sick during it

Fuckin day.

So today is the day that sister is coming to visit, this wouldn't be news except that she hasn't seen my dad or stepmom in four years due to a certain falling out. Anywho theyre cleaning everything like crazy and doing normal super anxious type things and I'm just trying to avoid it all. Yesterday during dinner I pulled out my photos from the last time she visited and everyone was gawking then my stepmom is like "wow look your skinny" and I was like "what?" and she was like "your skinny here!" and she's making that face like she wants me to react laughing or something but like what the fuck?? I was 11, and that was one of the lowest points of myself esteem not cause I was far but because I was actually grimy and disgusting looking because we couldn't afford for my to get my hair cut or redyed and , just, UHH. So that was a bullet to my brain. And about 10 minutes before that I was sitting on the bathroom floor with my fingers in my throat cause I ate 1/3 of a bag of skittles (first forced vomit of the diet). And then later they kept trying to bring me soup and I was like full, full, no I'm still mother fucking full. You are NOT allowed to complain about my weight then not stop trying to shove food down my throat!!

Look at that, weird disfigured disgusting fat mess. My gosh why am I even allowed to exist. I AM the ugly friend I AM the unwanted.

Not of importance

I'm literally afraid to go to the kitchen to get water because I'm scared I'll eat. Like FEAR. Other than that and the desire to just eat today has been good, so far I'm really pushing through my doubts like not eating and stoping exercising. Been pretty good, except I hate school and am going to get bitched at tomorrow for not drawing a interpretation of a Canadian right, I can't WAIT to go to collage and never be asked to make a mother fucking collage or comic or interpretive drawing.