update/ my story/ new healthy diet

Aha...been a long time since Ive been here. funny enough I haven't change much, except I want to punch myself in the face every time I read something I wrote last year, I was such a raging tool. Anyways for all those who give a fuck and all those who don't heres a run down of the events that have transpired during my absence.

At first I continued to eat less and less, counting tablespoons and calling them pound, I got worse and worse until eventually I began fainting on a daily basis. I would go to school faint, get sent home, and spend the rest of the day sitting in my house alone, unable to exercise or really do anything because it was to much physical exertion. After a few weeks of that my bulimia took dominance over my anorexia and I would binge, or rather 'binge' because I was really just eating a normal amount of food. Anyways, I would 'binge' constantly and spend the majority of my shower with my fist down my throat and laying almost completely lifeless on the shower floor regaining energy and feeling low. After a few months of that I just felt so incredibly unhappy and...how can I describe this? almost bleak, like the color of a grey tinted blue, completely washed out and painfully numb. I could have easily continued with that, I wasn't at my breaking point yet, I was only 75 lbs and I could keep going, another 8 weeks and I would hit my first goal weight. But I was so sick of ana telling me what to do, so sick of that green binder on my nightstand watching me sleep filled with photos of models dressed in permanent marker and letters to myself telling me how I am worthless and how I can never amount to anything, I broke. I began screaming at ana telling her to "get the fuck out" telling her that I didn't want her love, that I don't care if I die of loneliness without her, that she wouldn't hurt me anymore and that I wanted to feel happiness at least once before I died and her help was only ruining me further. I started eating and holding it in, I wouldn't write letters, I wouldn't look at thinspo, and I didn't weigh or measure myself. But the fear didn't go away, neither did the anxiety, neither did the urge to vomit, nor the self hatred, or the jealousy, and neither did ana. As clear as ever she was still there, but now just laughed and gave me a look that said it all 'you wont be okay, you'll just be fat. fat fat FAT. all you'll ever be is FAT. the more you eat the more of the little beauty left inside your shallow bones will suffocate to death under the old you, the fat you.". I continued to ignore her for months and months, I maintained a healthy 105 pounds, I still wasn't happy and ana was still in my mind, whispering ever so softly every time I saw food, felt hungry, or looked in the mirror and I could feel her cold finger poking my at my stomach, rolling my fat between her delicate fingers, and sticking her cold thin finger straight through to my spine every time I looked at a girl and only saw her numbers, or her genuine smile. This continued until September when I moved in with my dad, new city, new school, new family. living here ana was pushed way way back, so many new things were going on, I even went to Italy, I got lost in everything and hardly even noticed ana. That is until I stepped on the scale... 120... I had never weighed that much in my life! Now I was undeniably fat, I even had the numbers to back me up (29 inch waist). I never thought I would be this disgustingly huge and fat, I feel DISGUSTING. I'm undesirable, untouchable, and completely obscene. When I look in the mirror I don't see a girl I see a monster. I see thighs that touch and my disgusting personality hanging over my underwear looking at me with its round red cheeks and multiple chins pleading for its life, pleading for my favor crying 'please love my, I just want you to love me' and I can feel a knot in my throat, I can feel the vomit rising and my heart squeezing, I can feel my organs and bones SCREAMING 'were DIEING we cant BREATH under here!!' and my soul convulses, my mind shudders, my being weeps, trying to shake off what must be a horrible sick dream. I suppressed my feelings and pretended it didn't bother me. Then the next day at dinner while my weight obsessed father was on another rant about how healthy his food was and how nobody could gain weight form it I let it slip that I had gained 20 pounds since moving. His and my step mothers mouths dropped and for the first time during that meal my mother lifted her head to look at me. They both had looks of disgust and disbelief in their eyes, probably cause they openly thought I was overweight before I moved there. They started desperately scrambling for excuses but you could see in there eyes nothing seemed to suffice. After that I began a healthy diet with the iphone app 'MyNetDiary' losing 2 pounds a week eating 883 cals a day hoping to be 95lbs by July 19th. Two weeks after I returned to my hometown for a friends birthday, binged at the mandarin, and the following day binged munchies when I was stoned twice with another friend. I came home and felt disgusted, so tempted to carry on and pretend the whole ordeal didn't happen out of pure shame, instead I logged the mandarin into my net diary (unable to remember what I ate when I was high) and vowed to work off another 3000 calories in place.

so now my new plan is:

bike a minimal of 5 times a week, then do glutes and ab workouts
and eat 500cals a day (a healthy number, until at I reach at least 105lbs)
and as of today I want to start weighing myself every morning


Me and brigette (my best friend) are having a combined birthday party June second. Its going to be a house party and I want to look HOT because she is really sexy and skinny and we will be compared, not to mention since I'll be going back to that school in September this will be some peoples new first impression of me. The issue is I can only lose 6 lbs by then IF I'm diligent, and my hair is at the awkward length where its even with my shoulders and so theres no way to wear it attractively, not to mention one of my ear piercings fell out in Italy so now I'm uneven and I cant afford a new earing to put in it. Theres also a house party next weekend here and I haven't been to one in this city so I was considering going but like everyone here thinks I'm grimy I'm sure of it because I put 0 effort into my looks, mainly cause I hate everyone and will be gone in a month. Anyway that's relevant because I'm afraid I'll look grimy and humongous even out of uniform and people will look at me like whats that gross loser doing here? who invited her? cause I hate everyone and haven't bothered branching socially so I just chill with the geeks and freaks and one semi cool girl who is the one who invited me.

In concluding I'm disgusting and weak, this is now a 'healthy' ex-ana attempting to diet without falling to bulimia and anorexia again-- blog.

                                                                                         
                                                             too disgusting to leave the house and have a social life
                                                                                                                                  honey

I apologize for my absence

I am ridiculously sorry for being gone for what like almost 3 months now. I have been gone...well I'm not even sure what I was up too to be honest. I was grounded off the computer for the month of January because I accidentally swore at my mum during a breakdown and that bothered her enough to ground me from life for a month. after that I forgot my password actually I just got it back a few minutes ago and I read through all the stuff I missed and I have honestly missed here, this is the only place where I can talk about the passion for hunger and the fear of food and how it is so evil. every moment I was gone I thought of ana and after spending so long trying to ignore her I realize that that is not possible she is always with me warning me, mourning for me. Its odd though, the sides of myself which I have uncovered contradict what I do here, I have admitted to anorexia to what...who the fear is and that helped me to understand what it means. It means the desire to be thin...right? but the me who I have discovered holds absolutely no value to physical appearance there for I have lost my reason to fight but then I think of the real fight, the one to keep the fear away and the people I want to hold onto close and how the only one who never leaves is ana. Life is confusing I wish that people would just stay and that the people I care about didn't have to leave, I wish that my father wasn't dieing and that my mother wasn't dating that abusive man, I wish my sister wasn't a stripper, and I wish that I fit into this somewhere but I dont I am too fat to fit and so I become100% alone. sure people may care for me but no one actually LOVES me. everyone leaves eventually. Aprils moving to to a different city and so am I, this time I'm leaving but I honestly dont think that they will care. I crave love and attention and that's so dirty and unclean its disgusting and foul, I want the dark part of my soul to vanish but I know it cant because that is me I'm dirty and unclean I"M disgusting and foul. I have been dieing to talk about these things but the only people that I can tell are people who will resent me for it and I dont want them to hate me. we have tiffany one of my best friends who is a wannaberexic and brigette who is naturally thin and wont understand and april who...just no then there's shanice who will try to help me and what not. for now i guess I'm alone and I guess thats okay because it has never been any diffrent. well I'm sorry and heres some good thinspo I collected, cant say when I'll be back maybe soon maybe not but you can bet that I'll be back. one thing is for sure the idea of wannaberexics is confusing as all hell warped into a really pointy putting covered sock just like why? its not any fun same thing with people who want depression WHY? these things are not fun.

                                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                                  Honey

happy new years and heres to a skinny one

Hope you all have a fun low calorie night and just a quick update back down to 97 and got my snake bites they are helpful cause I can barely eat anything due to it not fitting in anymore so now I'm almost forced to starve :) 60 by next year hopefully by summer! lets set are goals high and raise our determination higher!

                                                                                                         xoxo
                                                                                                            honey,

holiday season

Sorry I have been gone but if you have been following for a while you know why as soon as holidays hit family is like "vist meeee, give me attentionnnnn" its terriable as so I spend days being thrown from household to household for two weeks. But more importantly I pray like hell that I don't gain weight this Christmas season and on new years as the clock strikes 12 I will swear my allegiance to 60, to be 60 pounds this time next year, to stay true to ana. Well just a quick message hope you ladies have a amazing holiday and remember to stay supe strong!

                                                                                                               xoxo,
                                                                                                                Honey

oh the joy of numbers!

Its terrible I know! but its such a great satisfaction when you are cooking for friends and making sure that they eat more than you :) watching them shove calorie after calorie in their mouths, especially when they are skinny....skinnier than me.

counting every calorie the days go on and on just like the list of foods I don't eat; meat, grains, potatoes, milk, butter, margarine, and anything with flour...that's about everything except vegetables and fruit but fruits are killers.....everything is a killer. I finally have a reason to never eat mc.donalds again! I havent in MONTHS but everything everyione would say like "so much salt" "so much sugar!" non of it really got to me but heres what did:
it takes 6 months, SIX MONTHS, before it is fully digested.....!!! Holy efin cow cakes that's narsty!
I am going light shopping today, yep never thought I would say that and especially never thought I would mean ceiling fixtures lights but it happened. not say-in I like it just say-in it happened. I also have to read a WHOLE book for a final test in english tommarow, and clean the basement....holy shizz. Well hope you had a fun day,

                                                                                                                                     xoxo,
                                                                                                                                        honey

exams are gonna kill me! If i gain stress weight I'll be SO mad.

So exams are here that's why I have been gone so much. We have final projects AND exams now, and they are all at the same time. Every single one is a killer because they are so time consuming that means no time for exercise or anything. I have decided that I will lose one pound for every follower because I heard something similar on one of the blogs I follow and I found it really thin-spiring. I'll try to blog more cause I really miss it but lately its just hard. We have my room more painted and I cant wait to have it up because then I can finally start building my weight loss world around me! My mini fridge, scales, measuring tape, ect. can have a permanent home. I formed the beginning of a dance crew with April and yes I know I'm not supposed to be her friend anymore but maybe if I just don't let my self care alot it will work and hey dancing is exercise.
I hope you are all prepped for the winter its freezing as hell especially for us. I'm off to do oliver twist...again I really hate this.

                                                                                                         xoxo
                                                                                                           Honey

papayas the shit, that diet was shit

Diet didnt work at ALL I'm 103 now fuck me kill this diet I want to cause so much pain to whoever posted it like x100. Although it may not be the diet failking it may just be stress overload retaining fat because over this week I had 3 unit tests one of which was a final exam 1 essay 22 chapters of questions and a shiz load more. Exam periods SUCK. On a brighter note papayas are the best thing this plant has ever giver birth to like no joke which is weird cause I have never had someone come up and tell me "hey yo papayas the shit!"  out of everything I have ever told to bare me childreen this tops all.....Ima go check the calorie count WOW 1 cup of papaya is rufly 55 calories not great but do able, I think this week is gonna be a papaya, water, gum, and pepsie zero week I need to get back to 97 ASAP!

                                                                                                                    xoxo
                                                                                                                      honey