Just a story, just another teenage whale bitching about life through insecurities.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Red
Binged out roughly 2500 calories between yesterday and today. But reds gonna take me home and fix me up.
Sixteen at last
A day before I turn sixteen. I'm less afraid now and just more depressed at the small feats which I have accomplished. Nobody really loves or likes me for me, they really just like me for lies I tell or because they basically are obligated to. I've traveled a bit but not real traveling when you truly learn and experience. I don't have a particular goal or interest or talent, the only thing I have a substantial amount of is things I'm mediocre at and goals which I've failed to achieve and instances in which I have failed to rise to the challenge and of course my theory's and the intelligence which has now faded but left its marks, I have developed an advanced philosophy and found the meaning to my life. So my goal for this next stage of my life's want to spend using the knowledge I have spent all this time acquiring and really experience and start living. However I do feel there are some goals I must accomplish first, first and for most is to settle with a physical appearance and hold it so I have to get a few tattoos dye my hair and F FUCKING GET THIS WEIGHT OFF!!!
Wish me luck phew.
Oh and explanation for the photos i I'm at point peel with my family for vacation and that's where I'll have my birthday and the other one is who I aspire most to look like
Wish me luck phew.
Oh and explanation for the photos i I'm at point peel with my family for vacation and that's where I'll have my birthday and the other one is who I aspire most to look like
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Just a angsty teen rant
This isn't relevant what do ever but it's distracting me for studying for my science exam and I have to vent about it so:
My parents come home after hours of unexplained absence which is like whatever or would be at least if the first thing my fucking stepmother, who has been bugging the shit out of my father trying to convince him I'm fucking dieting, wasn't "are you hungry" and looks at me like she's oh so worried and faking a smile like bitch shut the fuck up and back off I'm fine!! Like not 'hi' not where they went or how are you or good morning like seriously are you hungry!!?? Thats the best you fucking have?? To which I reply "nope" really cheerfully, so she continues: "did you eat?" nope fucking rubbed my face against a wall until I wasn't hungry "yup" "did you eat?" "I said yes" "what did you eat? Did you eat?" "yeah I did I ate breakfast" "did you eat cake?" "nope"
Like really? Not a single hi or explanation of where they've been just repeating the same question and clearly not listening to my awnser and so repeating the question like OMFGG I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP . These people are so aggravating!! Like the look she gives me like shes thinking I have a meth addiction or something like honestly they complain I'm fat then shove food down my throat then look at me like I'm dieing when I limit my self to-- oh lord help us-- 2 bowls of soup and 4bowls of vegetables at dinner OH LORD watch out everyone this girl who runs a blog dedicated to cake is clearly trying to kill herself by this totally unreasonably small portion oh noezz!!!! Like no, stfu I want to slap them all so bad. Not to mention the stupid shit I get yelled at about like my dad smashed a plate once cause he was so angry cause I cut a bun on the counter instead of on a plate or cutting board for the legit first time ever, I also can't put things in the fridge without people throwing them out and I get yelled at for leaving my tea bag which I plan to use again in an hour in a table spoon on the counter cause the house has to be clean for all the no visitors we have all the time. These are the things that make me so sure of my decision to move back to my mothers on the 28th, no doubt in my mind. I cannot live with other people who make food, diet, and appearance they're life, they're so competitive and they don't even realize it :S it's so annoying to live with other people with eating disorders
OH WAIT it gets better, they made me a massive fucking bowl of soup anyways and they made this entire meal because my mom told my dad I was hungry WHAT THE ACATUAL FUCK!!! HOLY FUCKING TITS WOMAN !! COULD YOU ATTEMPT EVEN A LITTLE TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN I AWNSER A FUCKING QUESTION YOU ASK!!!! I'm fucking crying, this is so emotionally frustrating to have to deal with such ignorant ass holes who are so invested in their own delusions and trying so hard to control as part of then like oh my god I'm not one of your fucking games I'm your daughter!! Why can't our lives just not revolve around food for a second do we can have a real conversation where we actually listen to each other!!?? I talk but you don't even hear a word or it, food ruins EVERYTHING at least Ana can
help keep that evil shit away
OH MY GOSH, i just went down tot he kitchen to get my iced coffee, she follows me in asks me if im hungry i say no she asks why and i say because i ate breakfast and lunch then she lovingly pats mt back and i walk away. she goes up stairs i walk over to my dad and i say '"she keeps asking me if im hungry. Ive eaten twice and i told her that but she keeps asking" then he says " its okay, shes just asking, its okay" then she starts walking back down cause she decided to easedrop on us instead of go to the bathroom, i start walking away and smile at her and now i know im going to get yelled at about this later because god forbid i ever attempt to stop ether of them from being annoying assholes by simply non-angerly pointing out how THEY WONT FUCKING DROP ANYTHING EVER
My parents come home after hours of unexplained absence which is like whatever or would be at least if the first thing my fucking stepmother, who has been bugging the shit out of my father trying to convince him I'm fucking dieting, wasn't "are you hungry" and looks at me like she's oh so worried and faking a smile like bitch shut the fuck up and back off I'm fine!! Like not 'hi' not where they went or how are you or good morning like seriously are you hungry!!?? Thats the best you fucking have?? To which I reply "nope" really cheerfully, so she continues: "did you eat?" nope fucking rubbed my face against a wall until I wasn't hungry "yup" "did you eat?" "I said yes" "what did you eat? Did you eat?" "yeah I did I ate breakfast" "did you eat cake?" "nope"
Like really? Not a single hi or explanation of where they've been just repeating the same question and clearly not listening to my awnser and so repeating the question like OMFGG I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP . These people are so aggravating!! Like the look she gives me like shes thinking I have a meth addiction or something like honestly they complain I'm fat then shove food down my throat then look at me like I'm dieing when I limit my self to-- oh lord help us-- 2 bowls of soup and 4bowls of vegetables at dinner OH LORD watch out everyone this girl who runs a blog dedicated to cake is clearly trying to kill herself by this totally unreasonably small portion oh noezz!!!! Like no, stfu I want to slap them all so bad. Not to mention the stupid shit I get yelled at about like my dad smashed a plate once cause he was so angry cause I cut a bun on the counter instead of on a plate or cutting board for the legit first time ever, I also can't put things in the fridge without people throwing them out and I get yelled at for leaving my tea bag which I plan to use again in an hour in a table spoon on the counter cause the house has to be clean for all the no visitors we have all the time. These are the things that make me so sure of my decision to move back to my mothers on the 28th, no doubt in my mind. I cannot live with other people who make food, diet, and appearance they're life, they're so competitive and they don't even realize it :S it's so annoying to live with other people with eating disorders
OH WAIT it gets better, they made me a massive fucking bowl of soup anyways and they made this entire meal because my mom told my dad I was hungry WHAT THE ACATUAL FUCK!!! HOLY FUCKING TITS WOMAN !! COULD YOU ATTEMPT EVEN A LITTLE TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN I AWNSER A FUCKING QUESTION YOU ASK!!!! I'm fucking crying, this is so emotionally frustrating to have to deal with such ignorant ass holes who are so invested in their own delusions and trying so hard to control as part of then like oh my god I'm not one of your fucking games I'm your daughter!! Why can't our lives just not revolve around food for a second do we can have a real conversation where we actually listen to each other!!?? I talk but you don't even hear a word or it, food ruins EVERYTHING at least Ana can
help keep that evil shit away
OH MY GOSH, i just went down tot he kitchen to get my iced coffee, she follows me in asks me if im hungry i say no she asks why and i say because i ate breakfast and lunch then she lovingly pats mt back and i walk away. she goes up stairs i walk over to my dad and i say '"she keeps asking me if im hungry. Ive eaten twice and i told her that but she keeps asking" then he says " its okay, shes just asking, its okay" then she starts walking back down cause she decided to easedrop on us instead of go to the bathroom, i start walking away and smile at her and now i know im going to get yelled at about this later because god forbid i ever attempt to stop ether of them from being annoying assholes by simply non-angerly pointing out how THEY WONT FUCKING DROP ANYTHING EVER
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Progress so far I guess
Around 15 more lbs to go and I'd say I'll be awesome, 7 for the front and six for the back and hips and like two for thighs and arm.
Bust: 56 inch
Waist: 28 ( first inch gone!!)
Hips: 32.5
Weight should be somewhere around 110 but I don't weigh again until tmo.
PS please ignore the mess in my room I'm about to throw it all in boxes cause I'm midmove
Bust: 56 inch
Waist: 28 ( first inch gone!!)
Hips: 32.5
Weight should be somewhere around 110 but I don't weigh again until tmo.
PS please ignore the mess in my room I'm about to throw it all in boxes cause I'm midmove
Friday, June 15, 2012
Only open this if you a) want to hate me b) need a reason not to eat really bad
So what do you think about right before your about to eat something you shouldn't? Do you think oh whatever, do you think I'm ahead anyways, do you lie to yourself about how many calories are in it, do you tell yourself you throw it up later? Well here's the thing, it's a fact that you can only purge 80% of the calories out. And for all those making excuses let me tell you that your not ahead and it's not okay because no matter where you are it's still bad. Let me show you want all those days of skipping exorcise or allowing yourself to eat a few extra calories does--
This is what 112lbs looks like on a 5'2 girl with a BMI of 20.5 which is on the lower side of normal looks like, THIS is what all those charts telling you your underweight want you to look like:
This is what 112lbs looks like on a 5'2 girl with a BMI of 20.5 which is on the lower side of normal looks like, THIS is what all those charts telling you your underweight want you to look like:
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