I apologize for my absence

I am ridiculously sorry for being gone for what like almost 3 months now. I have been gone...well I'm not even sure what I was up too to be honest. I was grounded off the computer for the month of January because I accidentally swore at my mum during a breakdown and that bothered her enough to ground me from life for a month. after that I forgot my password actually I just got it back a few minutes ago and I read through all the stuff I missed and I have honestly missed here, this is the only place where I can talk about the passion for hunger and the fear of food and how it is so evil. every moment I was gone I thought of ana and after spending so long trying to ignore her I realize that that is not possible she is always with me warning me, mourning for me. Its odd though, the sides of myself which I have uncovered contradict what I do here, I have admitted to anorexia to what...who the fear is and that helped me to understand what it means. It means the desire to be thin...right? but the me who I have discovered holds absolutely no value to physical appearance there for I have lost my reason to fight but then I think of the real fight, the one to keep the fear away and the people I want to hold onto close and how the only one who never leaves is ana. Life is confusing I wish that people would just stay and that the people I care about didn't have to leave, I wish that my father wasn't dieing and that my mother wasn't dating that abusive man, I wish my sister wasn't a stripper, and I wish that I fit into this somewhere but I dont I am too fat to fit and so I become100% alone. sure people may care for me but no one actually LOVES me. everyone leaves eventually. Aprils moving to to a different city and so am I, this time I'm leaving but I honestly dont think that they will care. I crave love and attention and that's so dirty and unclean its disgusting and foul, I want the dark part of my soul to vanish but I know it cant because that is me I'm dirty and unclean I"M disgusting and foul. I have been dieing to talk about these things but the only people that I can tell are people who will resent me for it and I dont want them to hate me. we have tiffany one of my best friends who is a wannaberexic and brigette who is naturally thin and wont understand and april who...just no then there's shanice who will try to help me and what not. for now i guess I'm alone and I guess thats okay because it has never been any diffrent. well I'm sorry and heres some good thinspo I collected, cant say when I'll be back maybe soon maybe not but you can bet that I'll be back. one thing is for sure the idea of wannaberexics is confusing as all hell warped into a really pointy putting covered sock just like why? its not any fun same thing with people who want depression WHY? these things are not fun.

                                                                                                                  xoxo,
                                                                                                                  Honey